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Conflict Resolution &
Anger Management

Domestic Violence

“Domestic violence" or "domestic violence offense" means any criminal offense involving
violence or physical harm or threat of violence or physical harm, or any attempt, conspiracy, or
solicitation to commit a criminal offense involving violence or physical harm, when committed by
one cohabitant against another. "Domestic violence" or "domestic violence offense" includes
commission or attempt to commit, any of the following offenses by one cohabitant against
another: https://le.utah.gov/xcode/Title77/Chapter36/77-36-S1.html

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  • *42% of all Utah homicides are domestic violence related.

  • Hotline 24/7- 1.800.897.LINK(5465)

  • The Salt Lake City Police Department’s crisis line is 801-580-7969.

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.

  • The YWCA can be reached at (801) 537-8600.

Define Anger

  • Three types of anger are

    • Aggressive- Direct with Disrespect

    • Passive Aggressive- Yes but you mean No

    • Passive- Everyone is Right and You are Wrong

    • Assertive- Direct with Respect (I feel, I need)

  • Clues-

    • Emotional

    • Physical

    • Behavioral

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Define Anger

Anger is a secondary emotion from Mad.

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Feeds the
Root of

Loss, Grief
Powerless

Anger Myth's

 Anger is inherited

 Anger leads to aggression/Rage

 Anger gets what you want

 Anger is not a habit

 Anger is a primary emotion

 Venting anger physically is therapeutic

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When Anger Leads to Behavior

When anger leads to aggressive behavior of abuse (harm to self or others) and
consequences follow

  • Impairment in the Court System

  • Road Rage

  • Breaking of Family Values/Rules

  • When you have a pay off

  • Broken Trust

  • Passive Aggressive->Manipulative->Vindictive

When Behavior Leads to Burnout

What is your normal level of Functioning?
Stress hormones restrict Mood, Memory, Motivation, and Management

  • Cognitive

    • Attention & processing reduces, short-term memory problems, judgment impaired, racing thoughts, ridged thinking, focus on the negative

  • Emotional

    • Increased irritability, frustration, impatience, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, numbness

  • Behavioral

    • Increased bad/nervous habits, sleep disturbances, impaired listening skills, withdrawal, aggression

  • Physiological

    • Rapid heartbeat, increased fatigue, illnesses, stomach problems, nausea, dizziness, aches, decreased libido, headaches, difficulty breathing, sweating

​Define Conflict

  • A clash of interest. The basis of conflict may vary but, it is always a part of environmental or root issues. The root of conflict may be personal (internal), racial, class, social, political and universal. Conflict in groups often follows a specific course. Many conflicts are a thinking error story without facts.

  • Compassion is connecting with the right person, over the right issue, at the right time.

  • Clues-

  • Emotional

    • Physical

    • Behavioral

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Conflict Myths

Conflict will lead to….anger, blame, resentment, etc.

Conflict needs to be addressed immediately

Conflict is not normal

Conflict is not safe

Conflict is better when avoided

Conflict needs to be solved/fixed

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Conflict Cycle

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How to Manage the Root Issues

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Gottman 4 Horseman

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Couple/Family Hot Topic Time 

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*Set a time to bring up Hot Topics that have been written down in a notebook or jar.  1 x a week for 30 min. Make prior safety rules.

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Couple/Family Hot Topic Time 

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  • Before you begin, ask yourself what is your goal.

  • Discuss one issue at a time.

  • No degrading language/ No yelling.

  • Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

  • Take turns talking.

  • No stonewalling (one of the 4 horseman).

  • Take a time-out if things get too heated

  • Attempt to come to a compromise and understanding.

Tips to Reduce Conflict

  •  Time Outs (10 mins.-24 hours)

  •  Thought Stopping (this is unfair, see handout)

  •  Stay Present (don’t jump to conclusion)

  •  Know what is REALLY going on (root issue)

  •  Be emotionally intelligent (2nd emotions ex. defensive)

  •  Listen to Seek to Understand (habit 5 in Steven Covey)

  •  Logical impact (self-talk the risks)

  •  Find a win-win and manage it (business deal)

Resources

  • Covey, S. R. (1989). The seven habits of highly effective people: restoring the character ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

  • https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling

  • Lerner, H. G. (1986). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships.

  • Lerner, H. G. (2017). Why won’t you apologize? Healing big betrayals and everyday hurts.

  • Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high New York : McGraw-Hill

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