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Boundaries in Parenting

Roles of Parents

KIDS ARE HARD WIRED TO PUSH BOUNDARIES, PARENTS JOB IS TO HOLD THEM, NOT TO BE LIKED

  • Guardian

    • Protect, preserve safety to grow in a healthy
      environment (something to hold on to)

  • Manager

    • Expectations are met by correcting, teaching, enforcing
      and building skills

  • Source

    • Basic needs, support, and wisdom

Boundary Definition "Living Big"

“HOW CAN WE EXPECT PEOPLE TO PUT VALUE ON OUR WORK WHEN WE DON’T VALUE OURSELVES ENOUGH TO SET AND HOLD UNCOMFORTABLE BOUNDARIES?"

BROWN (2015) RISING STRONG, PG. 115

  • COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE HAVE BOUNDARIES THAT

  • COMBAT RESENTMENT.

  • ONE THING THAT WAS THE COMMON DENOMINATOR

  • WAS BOUNDARIES WITH SHAME RESILIENT PEOPLE.

Boundaries are....

  • GUIDELINES, RULES, EXPECTATIONS, LIMITS, NEEDS, PROTECTION, EMPOWERING,
    COMMUNICATION, HEALTHY, PERSONAL, ASSERTIVE, RESPECTFUL, VALUABLE, DIFFICULT,
    DIVIDING LINE, BALANCE, VULNERABILITY, EQUALIZES, MODELING, TEACHING,
    RESPONSIVITY, COURAGEOUS, SAFETY, PRESERVE AND DEEPEN RELATIONSHIPS

  • SIX TYPES

    • PHYSICAL—PERSONAL SPACE, AND PHYSICAL TOUCH, EXAMPLE- HULA-HOOP

    • INTELLECTUAL—REFER TO THOUGHTS AND IDEAS. DISMISSING OR BELITTLES IDEAS OR
      OPTIONS

    • EMOTIONAL—PERSONAL FEELINGS AND LIMITS TO SHARE AND INVALIDATES

    • SEXUAL—EMOTIONAL, INTELLECTUAL, AND PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEXUALITY,
      UNWANTED PRESSURE

    • MATERIAL—PERSONAL MONEY OR POSSESSIONS OF MATERIALS

    • TIME—HOW TIME IS SPENT OR VIOLATED FROM AN OTHER PERSON

Why boundaries are needed...

  • VALUES—PRIORITIES, MORAL CODE

  • VALUE SELF—YOU TREASURE YOUR NEEDS

  • RESPECT—EMPOWERING, SAFETY

  • RESULTS—ASSERTIVE, TEACH, MODEL,
    SECURE, LOVED

  • PREVENTION—OF BURNOUT, PASSIVE
    BEHAVIOR, AND EMOTIONAL PAIN

  • NO BATTLES—BOUNDARIES, REDUCE
    BATTLES

  • DELAY OF GRATIFICATION—A MUST

fence.jpg

10 Ways to do Boundaries/Values

  1. WAYS TO DO BOUNDARIES/VALUES

  2. BE ASSERTIVE WITH BODY LANGUAGE, CALL IT WHAT IT IS, I FEEL/I NEED

    STATEMENTS

  3. KNOW YOUR VALUE SYSTEM

  4. KNOW YOUR SECONDARY EMOTION

  5. BE PRESENT-FFF DOES NOT WORK

  6. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

  7. GO BY PATTERNS NOT POTENTIAL

  8. KNOW SELF-CARE NEEDS

  9. KNOW WHEN YOUR VALUES HAVE BEEN CROSSED

  10. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

  11. REPEAT

Boundaries are not...

  • TO FIX, CHANGE, OR PUNISH THE RECEIVER OR GIVER

  • FOR THE RECEIVER OR VIOLATOR TO BLAME, SHAME, LABEL, OR

  • GUILT TRIP

  • TO BE IGNORED

  • TO BE AGGRESSIVE OR PASSIVE

  • IMPERSONAL

  • AGAINST YOUR VALUE SYSTEM

Resources

  • BROWN, B. (2015). RISING STRONG: THE RECKONING. THE RUMBLE. THE REVOLUTION. NEW

  • YORK: SPIEGEL & GRAU.

  • BROWN (2012). THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECT PARENTING. AUDIBLE

  • CLOUD (2001). BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS

  • SIEGEL, D. J. (2013). BRAINSTORM: THE POWER AND PURPOSE OF THE TEENAGE BRAIN

  • HTTPS://WWW.GOOGLE.COM/BOOKS/EDITION/BOUNDARIES_WITH_KIDS/SRO0LN91OPUC
    ?HL=EN&GBPV=1&PRINTSEC=FRONTCOVER

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