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Communication 101

10 Effective Steps

  • Interpersonal communication is the process of exchange of information, ideas and feelings between two or more people through verbal or non-verbal methods; sending or receiving information

  • Exchange of ideas

  • Body language, energy, and tone -92%

  • Tools and resources


10 Effective Tools Needed to

  1. Coordinate

  2. Connection

  3. Content

  4. Context

  5. Control

  6. Clear and Crucial

  7. Commitment

  8. Correspond

  9. Courteous

  10. Closure


1. Coordinate

•Prepare and coordinate as much as possible

•Review steps and present skills

•Set differences aside


2. Connection

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Dr. Brene Brown

Connect and Link

  • Find the right time to connect

  • Define your higher purpose and need…then bid.


3. Content

  • Peaceful, happiness of satisfaction

  • Material presented with assertiveness

  • Set some rules

  • Define the Problem

  • When I ……(I feel, I need, I am willing to do) statements

Bids- Dr. John Gottman calls bids the “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” They are the gestures between a couple that signal a need for attention. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal and include asking for anything from physical affection to help with a project. 

4. Context

  • Coherent, it's logical. All points are connected and relevant to the main topic, and the tone and flow of the text is consistent

  • Form the statement and idea

  • Storyline or purpose of the conversation

  • Define Goals

  • Positioning of the content

5. Control

  • •Control Thinking Error stories

  • •Mindful of body language and tone

  • •Know when you are in FFF before flooded

  • •Know your triggers to stonewalling or defensiveness

  • •Actions hijacks words

  • •Experiences hijacks knowledge


6. Clear and Crucial

  • How Crucial 1-10

  • State Facts

  • Be clear about your goal or message

  • Stick to the point and keep it brief

  • Agree on a Win Win action plan


Crucial Conversations

  1. Start with the heart (i.e. empathy and positive intent)

  2. Stay in dialogue

  3. Make it safe

  4. Don’t get hooked by emotion (or hook them)

  5. Agree a mutual purpose

  6. Separate facts from story

  7. Agree a clear action plan

(Crucial conversations – Tools for talking when the stakes are high by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Swizler. Summarised by Paul Arnold (Facilitator and Trainer)

7. Commitment

  • Strong belief in something;

  • a promise to do something

  • How high is the stake?

  • List your top ABC’s

  • List Pro’s and Con’s

  • Known Values

8. Correspond

  • Seek to understand before understood -Habit 5

  • Active listening and reflective skills (handout at end)

  • Assertive connection

  • Stay in a safe space

  • Back and Forth

  • Probing and Restating

  • Know your triggers  

  • Stay logical 


Recipe for Understanding….

  • Space

    • Create a Safe Space for Trust & Present Time

  • Desire

    • Hope, Feelings, and Need

  • Value & Respect

    • Love and Belonging

  • Empathically Listen

    • Rephrase, Reflect, Repair, Body Language

  • Mutual Understanding

    • Green Light


9. Courteous

  • Polite speech or action, especially
    one required by a settlement

  • Calm assertive action

  • Quality of manners or social

  • Kindness

  • Respect, understanding, and with


10. Closure

  • Greater Influence

  • Solutions to Problems

  • Clarity

  • Faster Conflict Problem

  • Seeing Others Perspective

  • Love, Belonging, and Healing

  • Mutual Understanding

  • Win-Win

“Solving Paradigms are powerful because they create the lens through which we see the world... If you want small changes in your life, work on your attitude. But if you want big and primary changes, work on your paradigm."



Barriers to Connection and Closure

  • Actions hijacks words -Trust

  • Experiences hijacks knowledge

  • The other’s skills and attachment/personality style

  • Difference in Value systems

  • FFF and Flooded Brain

  • Thinking Errors

  • Root Issues-Hurt and Trauma


  1. Identify your differences

  2. Look for assets in your differences

  3. Learn from your differences

  4. Replace condemnation with affirmation

  5. Discover a plan for maximizing your differences

Chapman, Four Seasons Of Marriage Page 13

Caryl's Tip- Make a list of IMPORTANCE. Scale 1-10 How do your VALUES
match up?

Sue Johnson on Attachment


Tools and Handouts


Time Outs (20 mins.-24 hours)- GET out of FFF or

  • STOPP Step back and Take a breath. Observe. Practice mindfulness. Practice what works: What’s the best thing to do, right here and now?
    How can I change what I normally do? What would help most? What will I look back on and be pleased that I did? (Sometimes it might just be to walk away, and return later when calm)

  • Be emotionally intelligent (2nd emotions)

  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination and outcome

Emphatically Listen

Rephrase, Reflect, Repair, Body Language with
Reflection on Feelings with Ears, Eyes, and

  • Focus on the speaker

  • If you get stuck, just repeat what is being displayed

  • Don’t be afraid of silence, just wait and listen

  • Don’t correct the emotion just make statements

  • Use language like…You seem.. You sound.. What I’m hearing is...You're feeling now…

  • Not to advise, reply, solve, fix, change, judge, agree, disagree, analyze, or question


Four Basic Communication Styles


Aggressive- Direct with Disrespect (FIGHT)

Passive Aggressive- Yes but You mean No (FLEE)

Passive- Everyone is Right, and You are

Assertive- Direct with Respect

(I feel, I need, I am willing to do)

  • Clue-Always a Cycle

    • Thinking Error

    • Emotional

    • Physical Reaction

    • Behavioral

Caryl Ann CMHC, ©





  • Communication-

  • Communication with relationships-

  • Brown (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

  • Covey, S. R. (1989). The seven habits of highly effective people: Restoring the character ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.

  • Gottman, J. (2016) Man’s guide to women. 

  • Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: W.W. Norton.

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2013). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal.

  • Gottman, J. & J., Denaker, S. (2002). Ten lessons to transform your marriage: America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship. New York:

  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

  • Lerner, H. G. (2017). Why won’t you apologize? Healing big betrayals and everyday hurts.

  • Patterson, K., & Patterson, K. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.

  • Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high New York : McGraw-Hill

  • Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. First edition. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

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