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Boundaries with Toxic Behavior

Why boundaries...

  • Better Mental and Emotional Health

  • Avoidance of Burnout and Better Balance

  • Development of Autonomy and Identity

  • Reduction of Relational Trauma and Shame

  • What are boundaries

  • Why we need them

  • Triangle trap with Toxic Behavior

  • Relational Trauma

  • Balance and Values

  • Take home

Boundaries are...

  • Guidelines, rules, expectations, limits, needs, protection, empowering, communication, healthy, personal, assertive, respectful, valuable, difficult, dividing line, balance, vulnerability, equalizes, modeling, teaching, responsivity, courageous, safety, preserve and deepen relationships

  • Six types

    • Physical—personal space, and physical touch

    • Intellectual—refer to thoughts and ideas. Dismissing or belittles ideas or options

    • Emotional—personal feelings and limits to share and invalidates

    • Sexual—emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality, unwanted pressure

    • Material—personal money or possessions of materials

    • Time—how time is spent or violated from an other person

  • Tip-Just pick one category/type and improve it over a month within your relationships​

“Living big” with Boundaries

“How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don’t
value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?”
Brown (2015) Rising Strong, pg. 115

  • Compassionate people have boundaries that combat resentment

  • The common denominator in Brene Brown’s research was,
    SHAME resilient people had boundaries

Boundaries are not...

  • Boundaries aren't just something you have with other people

  • To fix, change, or punish the receiver or giver

  • For the receiver or violator to blame, shame, label, or guilt trip

  • To be ignored or be Unequal

  • To be aggressive or passive

  • Impersonal

  • Against your value system


Toxic Behavior is…

  • Create drama/trauma triangle

  • Manipulate or control others

  • Being needy (“it is all about them all the time”)

  • Use others to meet their needs (such as a “narcissistic parent”)

  • Being extremely critical of themselves and others;

  • Being jealous and envious of others

  • Abuse substances or self-harm and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help

  • Violate your boundaries (jerk qualities)


What happens to you...

  • You’re emotionally affected by their drama (shut down)

  • You dread (fear) being around them (avoid)

  • You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction (drained)

  • You feel bad or ashamed about yourself (worthless)

  • You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or be the care-giver (syndrome)

  • Loose your values (self-worth)

  • Become burnt-out (relationship burnout, FFF)

  • You enter a syndrome (codependent)


Stephan Kapman Conflict Triangle


Parent/Child/Adult Relationship

STOP the Drama/TRAUMA by Coaching and Challenging and Staying in YOUR Role

Transactional analysis is based on the idea that one’s behavior and social relationship reflects an exchange between parental (critical/nurturing), adult (rational) and childlike (intuitive/dependent) aspects of personality developed early in life. 


Parent/Child/Adult Relationship

  • A stable pair can become destabilized by a third

  • person

  • A stable pair can also be destabilized by removal

  • of the third person (child leaving home)

  • An unstable pair can be stabilized by the addition

  • of a third person (contentious marriage becomes

  • harmonious after the birth of a child)

  • An unstable pair being stabilized by the removal of

  • the third person

(Bowne, 1966)

Burnout and Behavior

  • What is your normal level of Functioning?
    Stress hormones restrict Mood, Memory, Motivation, and Management of Assertive


Burnout and Behavior

5 Stages of Burnout

  • Honeymoon Stage

  • Onset of Stress

  • Chronic Stress

  • Burnout

  • Habitual Burnout

Burnout Reactions


  • Attention & processing reduces, short-term memory problems, judgment impaired, racing thoughts, ridged thinking, focus on the negative

    • Emotional

  • Increased irritability, frustration, impatience, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion, numbness

    • Behavioral

  • Increased bad/nervous habits, sleep disturbances, impaired listening skills, withdrawal, aggression

    • Physiological

  • Rapid heartbeat, increased fatigue, illnesses, stomach problems, nausea, dizziness, aches, decreased libido, headaches, difficulty breathing, sweating

Balance of Basic Four—Time/Energy/Money


Assertive Behavior Process
Fight Flight Freeze🡪 Mid Brain

Relationships and Self-Value

  • Aggressive (fight)-Direct w/Disrespect

  • Passive Aggressive (flight)-Say Yes when you mean No

  • Passive (freeze)-Everyone else is right

  • Assertive- Direct w/Respect; Hold on to Values


Assertive Behavior Process
Fight Flight Freeze🡪 Mid Brain


Tips to Reduce Conflict

  • Time Outs (10 mins.-24 hours)

  • Thinking Error replacement (thinking error 101)

  • Stay Present (don’t jump to conclusions)

  • Know what is REALLY going on (root issue)

  • Be emotionally intelligent (2nd emotions)

  • Listen to Seek to Understand (habit 5 in Steven Covey)

  • Logical impact (self-talk the pro’s/con’s)

  • Find a win-win and manage it (business deal)

  • No Four Horseman



10 Ways to have Boundaries & Values

  1. Be assertive with Body language, call it what it is, I feel/I need/I will statements

  2. Know your value system

  3. Know your Secondary Emotion (Fear)

  4. Be present-FFF does not work

  5. Give yourself permission

  6. Go by patterns not potential

  7. Know self-care needs

  8. Know when your values have been crossed

  9. Know your rights, don’t apology

  10. Rehearse and Repeat


Take Home…

  • Boundaries are not created to cause offense, rather they are created to honor you!

  • “Readers of the Human Magnet Syndrome will better understand why they, despite their dreams for true love, find themselves hopelessly and painfully in love with partners who hurt them.”

  • Know what Jerk qualities are (Jerk Book)

  • Learn and practice assertive skills to stay in frontal lobes and out of burnout

  • Avoid the four horseman and aggressive behavior

  • Know your worth and when to call it quits

  • Heal from repeated Relational Trauma


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